Why does this blog “Refined4Him” exist? Well, let me take a moment to explain myself and who I am and where I came from. I act as an enigma on this blog for the simple reason of protection for the privacy of my family, but mostly because I prefer to pass the spotlight onto Christ. So let me tell you my story.
Hi! My name is Chris. I am a soon to be 32 year old father of soon to be three (two boys and one girl), and husband to a beautiful wife, wonderful mother, and amazing cook for over ten years. I know you may think “food’s not important”, but I live in the south where food is everything. By the way, I am Virginia born and raised.
I grew up a child of the Eighties and Nineties. I grew up in a secular home where God’s name was mostly mentioned before an expletive. We never attended church, prayed, worshiped, etc. We loved and were loved, but we were certainly lost. Our TV played shows like Night Rider, Magnum P.I., and Family Ties, and our radio blasted Huey Lewis, Michael Jackson, and a young Madonna. What on Earth was Gospel music? My parents divorced when I was about seven years old and my Brother and I went to live with my Mom in an apartment complex. I often refer to these apartments as the “ghetto” of the county in which I lived. Being the only white people there (I am not being racist, I am just stating the facts), I was beat up everyday by all the other kids. I was not used to this kind of hatred. We then moved to a cul-de-sac where again I was being beat up everyday. This time by white kids. See, I told you I wasn’t being racist. My Brother even beat up on me everyday while my Mom worked two jobs to support us. I went to a new school where I got picked on…and beat up just about everyday. I sure was a tenderized little boy! Again, this kind of hatred was new to me. I remember sitting in my room at night when I was ten and just crying and saying that no one loved me and all I wanted to do was die.
When I started the sixth grade, my Brother and I moved in with my Dad. He was able to spend more time with us because he worked only one job. The teasing and beating at school worsened when I started middle school. I wanted to die…by my own hands. I had hated life and everything that went with it. I had no friends. By this time in my life I had kept hearing about this God that controlled everything. He controls everything? So He controls my crashing life? I was determined that God was bringing all this on. I hated God.
By high school my Dad started drinking heavily. There were some nights where he wouldn’t even come home. My Brother was away at college, so I was at home by myself most of the time. Nothing but me, my sad state of affairs, and a God who had brought ruin to me. Oh how I hated Him. I remember coming home from school in tears, pointing my middle finger to the sky saying “(expletive) you God and your wife Mary. I hate You!” (yes I actually thought that God had married Mary in some kind of celestial wedding and that’s how that Jesus guy was born. Shows you how much I knew). I was listening not just to bands like Metallica and Megadeth, but also anti-Christian bands like Slayer, Cannibal Corpse, Morbid Angel, and Deicide (who’s name means “the killing of God”). I loved these guys and their anti-God message. I hated God and Christians (even though at this point I didn’t even know who Jesus was). Let’s fast forward to post high school.
I went to community college seeking higher education and women. Although, I only succeeded at one. I made Dean’s List every semester. I ended up dating girls that were nothing but trouble. Finally I said “I am done with these girls. I need a country girl, not these metalheads. I need a farmer’s daughter. LOL”. I remember about this time my Mom started throwing around this God guy again. But this time with strange words like “love, prayer, blessing, etc.” Wait a minute! Isn’t this God the guy who hated me and ruined my life? Whom I hated and wished I could kill? What was wrong with my Mom? I think she was losing her mind. She one time requested for Mother’s Day that we attend church with her. GASP! Do what? Church? Isn’t that where all those Christian people go who talk about that evil God and sing funny songs that I don’t know the words to? Yes MomL
It was a bad experience. The preacher was an old man who about ten times during the service put down “that rock ‘n roll music“. Putting down my music? Is that what church is about? Figures! Well after this I lightened up about my hatred and just didn’t care to believe. I knew there was a God, but didn’t want anything to do with Him. I remember working at a call center that was run by Christians and had many Christian college students that worked there. They did this funny thing before we started work called “prayer”. People would request prayer for things. I even chimed in once or twice. I remember everyone that sat around me had joy and were very friendly. Strange! Then one day a guy asked me if I knew where I was going when I died. I said “Heaven”. He asked how did I know that. I said “I guess since I’m a nice guy and didn’t kill anybody that I was alright“. He laughed and said that wasn’t good enough and proceeded to witness to me and tell me the Good News about that Jesus guy. He then asked if I wanted to go downstairs and be saved. I declined. I later told my friends about this. They told me the guy just wanted to molest me downstairs. Those filthy Christians!
Then I met the farmer’s daughter. She was raised in the church and was baptized and even was….(gulp!)….saved! Saved??? We dated for about two months and then I decided to dump her. She didn’t have blonde hair and blue eyes like I wanted. But as I was preparing to do this, a voice “within” said “No. Don’t do it. Keep her.” Who on Earth was that? That wasn’t me talking. Later on I wanted to proceed again, but again I heard “Don’t do it.” Who is that talking? And why do you want me to keep this woman?
During our time together this woman would ask if I was a Christian. I told her “yes” because my Grandma was and my Mom lost her mind. She asked me what my denomination was and I think I told her “Methodist Baptist” because my Grandma was Methodist and my Mom, who lost her mind, was from Baptist stock. I was Christian by association. She asked me if I was saved. Ooooohhh! There’s that word again. I told her “yes” because it sounded good at the time. I fell in love with this woman and no longer wanted to dump her. We had happy times together. Anytime we went to any kind of Christian activity and the opportunity to repent and say the sinner’s prayer would come up, I would just nod and say it wasn’t necessary. I had heard the word “saved” so much that I figured I already was. I was good to go. Although through the years, something just wasn’t right.
We were married in June of 2001. She was a Christian who wanted to get back into a relationship with Jesus because some jerk made her weak in her walk and caused sin in her life. I was the jerk who was living in ignorant bliss and sin who thought I was a saint and all was kosher. She began to talk more about this Jesus guy and salvation and repentance and all kinds of other funny words that I didn’t learn in public school. We would go to churches and concerts where these things were talked about. I thought, “I’m not that bad. God loves me, so I’m saved. Right?”. I was into pornography, I cussed like a sailor, I listened to anti-Christian music, I had a temper, and I was overall selfish. Yeah. I was good alright!
Then in the summer of 2004 I started reading a book by Billy Graham called “Answers To Life‘s Problems“. It was a book where people would ask questions like “Is what I do really sin?” to “Why do Christians dress up for church?” After reading this book I realized just how vile I really was. I knew what needed to be done. I had heard about this for years. I was on my knees July 2004 asking that Jesus guy to forgive me, come into my heart, and save me from my vileness. The transformation was phenomenal. All those vile things that I enjoyed became my pain. A war started within me. The Holy Spirit versus Satan.
Kudos to Billy Graham, but I owe it all to my wife for bringing me to the cross. You see, it was God who was telling me to “keep her”. He brought her to me to bring me to Him. Even when I hated Him and wanted nothing to do with Him, He was calling me. He was setting up the road to salvation. Jesus who I knew nothing about…I am yours.
If you knew me and my beliefs now, then you would be shocked at the sanctification that has taken place. I consider myself holy. Not “better than”, but “separate from” the world and things of the world. I will draw emphasis on this at another time because I am sure that by now your eyes are hurting. But one day I caught my wife looking at Christian blogs and said “Hmm. I wouldn’t mind having one so I could, well, preach on”. Sure enough she set this blog up. I named it based on a screen name that I had been using for sometime. You will see under the logo at the top why I chose the name Refined4Him and what it means to be refined. You will also notice that this blog is stripped of flashiness and is very basic. Because it is not I, but Christ.
I shared with you who I am and what brought me here. I hope that you enjoyed the message and humor. But more importantly, I hope you enjoyed my testimony. That a man who hated God so much that we wanted to kill Him, can be called to the cross and forgiven. I would consider wanting to kill God a very serious sin, far worse than adultery, drugs, violence, etc. If He can forgive me, He can forgive you to. Just ask and believe. May God bless you and I pray that I do my job well with this blog in the future and thus far in glorifying Him and teaching and lifting in His name. If I fail, may I be forgiven. Thank you readers as I start a new chapter with this blog. Again, may you be blessed by the Father, Son, and Spirit.
UPDATE: My Dad doesn’t drink anymore and is remarried with two handsome little boys. And no, I don’t beat up on them like my Brother did. My Brother no longer beats me up because I am bigger than him. My Mom obviously did not lose her mind. Although we did not know the Lord, I love my family very much and have forgiven them any trespasses that may have occurred in my life. I pray that those who know Him will walk more intimately with Him, and those who don’t know Him will. God bless!
No comments:
Post a Comment